Frequently Asked Questions
You have questions. We have answers. Some are even serious.
Is this website real?
No. This website is satire. Every review, rating, and verdict is fictional humor. We strongly advise against attempting any of the uses discussed on this site.
Can I really use a cucumber?
Please do not use a cucumber or any produce in the manner described on this site. Vegetables are for eating. If a product does not have a flared base designed for internal use, it does not belong inside your body.
Why does this website exist?
Because rectaluse.com was available for $12.99. The website exists to make people laugh, sell some shirts, and hopefully run enough ads to cover the domain renewal fee.
Do you actually test products?
We own most of the products reviewed, but we use them for their intended purposes. The testing described in our reviews is purely fictional and written for comedic effect.
Has anyone actually tried these things?
Statistically, given the size of the internet, probably yes. This is deeply concerning. If you are considering it, please read our review of the Domestic Shorthair Cat and internalize its message.
Can I submit a product for review?
Yes! Send us an email with your product suggestion. We particularly enjoy products with unfortunate shapes, suggestive marketing, or names that sound like they belong on this site.
Do you make money from this?
We run display advertisements and sell merchandise. We do not use Amazon affiliate links because their terms prohibit associating their brand with sexually suggestive content and our entire domain name is problematic.
What do doctors think?
Based on emails we've received, they are not fans. One ER physician wrote a 3,000-word message alternating between laughter and genuine concern about humanity.
ONE SERIOUS ANSWER: If you or someone you know has inserted a foreign object and cannot retrieve it, go to the emergency room immediately. ER doctors have seen everything. They will not judge you. Delaying treatment can cause serious injury. This is not satire.